The Official Athletic Record Of
Crusty
RhodesThe American Dream
"All liquid diet. No water. And this Saturday, Ric Flair, I'm coming for everything you got, baby."
Tale of the Tape
(the corner)
The Ballad
Conceived on a single phone call and forged on a North Hollywood street corner, Crusty Rhodes has spent his entire career cutting impassioned promos against a Ric Flair who has never once been present to receive them.
His discipline is total. He does not eat food. He draws his power from the grease of a Whopper patty, the moisture of a McGriddle, and the juices of a cricket he raised himself. He does not drink water. When offered a Baconator, he declines the meat and requests only the wrapper. "The wrapper will suffice."
Between rounds he moves product: trading-card booster packs, squirrel pelts, the occasional wild hyena hide draped across the back "so you can cut a whiff off how rich I look." He periodically accuses strangers of being Arn Anderson. He has, on record, refereed and won a match between two crickets held inside a burger wrapper.
Read as an athlete's résumé, it is a story of a man who has had hard times, baby, and is coming for everything you got.
Top 10 Things He Likes About America
- Bugs
- Killer whales ("I'm pretty sure killer whales is us")
- Chinese food
- Treasure ("buried or otherwise")
- Pappyland (from the Pappy Drewitt show)
- Sasparilla
- Seashells ("you can hear the ocean in")
- [ Entry Removed by Legal ]
- Battlestar Galactica
- That bucktooth tomato truck
...And What He Doesn't
- That the hardest workers at the lowest levels of the richest corporations don't own a stake in the means of production
- Ric Flair
- That the ref seems to be in the pocket of Ric Flair: "he must have been counting in a different alphabet, baby"
Rivals & Roster
The Nemesis
Ric Flair
Crusty's entire career is a callout to Ric Flair, who has never once been present for it. Cashmere-clad, allegedly. "Count your days, baby."
The Silent One
Sting
Full face paint, not one word spoken. Communicates entirely in mime. Once threatened to end Crusty; Crusty read the whole death threat as a gumbo recipe.
Undercard · Held In A Wrapper
Cric Flair
The crickets are named Cric Flair. Canonical bout on record: Cric Flair vs. Cric Flair. Bionic elbows, top-rope elbow, one-two-three. The winner is then eaten.
Also On The Radar
The Others
Darby Allin. The Undertaker. Arn Anderson, usually just a stranger on the street Crusty has decided is Arn Anderson.
Upcoming Fight Card
Career Appearances
The Ballad of Crusty Rhodes
The origin. The all-liquid-diet monologue in full, the Cric Flair vs. Cric Flair match, and a closing infomercial sign-off for booster packs. Debut against a Ric Flair who does not attend.
Crusty Rhodes & Sting
Sting arrives in full face paint and cuts his entire promo in silent mime: a death threat, wringing a neck, fist into palm. Crusty interprets every gesture as gourmet cooking prep and never once gets it. Ends on a heavenly cross: "You the devil, Sting."
Top 10 Things About America
Crusty delivers his definitive ranking, plus a short list of grievances that turns unexpectedly toward the ownership of capital. The ref, he notes, remains in Ric Flair's pocket.
In His Own Words
"I don't eat food. I just suck the juice off of a Whopper patty."Crusty Rhodes
"All liquid diet. No water."Crusty Rhodes
"I don't eat food, baby. Give me the wrapper. The wrapper will suffice."Crusty Rhodes
"I've had hard times, baby. And I'm coming for you, Ric Flair."Crusty Rhodes
"Crusty Rhodes can't read. Crusty Rhodes don't know sign language."Crusty Rhodes
"I really thought you were reaching for a nickel that I might have misplaced behind my ear."Crusty Rhodes
"I'm talking about taking their heads. Splitting from their bodies. Slurping the juice."Crusty Rhodes
"Crusty Rhodes. The American Dream."Crusty Rhodes
Catch Crusty on The Mean Time
Every appearance of Crusty Rhodes lives on The Mean Time, hosted by Jared Gaines & Patrick Gilchrist. This tribute exists only to point you toward the real thing. Go watch it. Enjoy the slop, piggies.